whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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