I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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