I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
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I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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