I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
