i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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