we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
