We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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