I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
