remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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