dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
