There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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