im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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