Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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