There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
