see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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