If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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