I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
