My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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