I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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