2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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