Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
