Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
