I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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