I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
