woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
my poor anus
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
