Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
