You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
