i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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