I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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