I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
