Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
