I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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