4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
