and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
