OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
