Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My hand turned me down
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
