just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
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Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
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Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He has the fingertips of a God
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