Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
