Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
