I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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