its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
