The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
