I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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