I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
