Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Can I color on your dick again?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
