I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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