last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
