I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
