So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
