I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
