He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
