did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
