Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
