Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
