Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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